Couchsurfing in Iran Read online

  Published by Black Inc.,

  an imprint of Schwartz Publishing Pty Ltd

  Level 1, 221 Drummond Street

  Carlton VIC 3053, Australia

  [email protected]

  www.blackincbooks.com

  Couchsurfing im Iran: Meine Reise hinter verschlossene Türen

  © 2015 by Piper Verlag GmbH, München/Berlin.

  First Published in the English Language by Greystone Books Ltd.

  The translation of this work was supported by a grant from the Goethe-Institut, which is funded by the German Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

  Copyright © Stephan Orth 2015

  Translation © Jamie McIntosh 2017

  This edition published in 2018

  Stephan Orth asserts his right to be known as the author of this work.

  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior consent of the publishers.

  9781760640224 (paperback)

  9781743820476 (ebook)

  Cover design by Birgit Kohlhaas

  Text design and typesetting by Nayeli Jimenez

  Map credit: Birgit Kohlhaas

  Photo credit: Stephan Orth, Mina Esfandiari and Samuel Zunder

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  At the border

  Welcome to Iran!

  Down with the U.S.

  Long live the shah

  Couchsurfing for beginners

  Torture

  Freedom

  The Persian Gulf

  Lost in transportation I

  Aryans

  The genie

  Lost in transportation II

  Earthquakes

  Art

  The desert

  Bureaucracy

  Fake marriage

  Lost in transportation III

  Hide-and-seek

  Poetry

  Hiking

  The red Persian carpet

  Nuclear power

  Lost in transportation IV

  War

  Backgammon

  Music

  Smugglers

  The police

  The prince

  Love

  News

  A river without water

  Dictatorship

  Drunk to the imam

  Religion and money

  Party

  Lost in visa application

  Green, white, red

  Fun

  Orwell

  Life’s caravan

  Country of surprises

  Happy ending

  Acknowledgments

  Notes

  AT THE BORDER

  WHEN YOU’RE SCARED, really, really scared stiff, when you think, “This, this is it,” then your perceptions become doubly keen. The brain switches to red alert—only the here and now count. There’s no room for peripheral things. I know that I’ve reached this state when I cannot even recall my zip code when questioned by the police.

  I’m sitting in the interview room of the Iranian police. The furnishings consist of a large desk with a Samsung computer, a lower glass table in the middle of the room, and seven chairs with the plastic wrap still covering the brown leather upholstery. A small door leads to the entrance area and another door to a corridor with further offices. The light green wall is adorned with the national emblem: four crescent moons and a sword. Next to it hang the obligatory portraits of the dictators. Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini looks on, sinister as ever. Supreme Leader, Grand Ayatollah Khamenei, however, has a broad grin—I have never seen him look like this. Maybe it’s because he is in his element in places like this.

  “Two years ago two spies were jailed here,” says Yasmin,* Imy companion. “They’re still in jail, in Tehran.”

  “What did they do?”

  “I don’t know.” But in Iran it’s child’s play to be considered a spy. A couple souvenir photos of the airport or a government building are enough. Or the fact that you travel a bit too close to the border with Iraq. We are in Nowsud, in Iranian Kurdistan, and it’s only six miles from here to the neighboring country.

  “We received a tip-off that there were foreigners here,” says one of the two officials. He is wearing baggy trousers and a khaki shirt. “Actually, today is our day off,” he adds as an explanation for the lack of uniform. Tough face and bulging biceps. He seems to have spent a lot of time at the gym. His colleague, dressed in pink, appears mellower, more sympathetic. He has the beginnings of a paunch under his broad waistband, and he conveys the impression that the whole procedure is somewhat embarrassing. “Bad Cop” and “Good Cop”—the roles are clearly defined.

  My zip code?

  Panic induces me to give the wrong code.

  Good Cop asks whether we want some tea. A little while later a young man in a military uniform brings in a tray. On drinking I notice that my hand is shaking. Damn. It really would be better not to show any signs of nervousness.

  “Have another look to see if you can find your passport,” suggests Yasmin. Previously, I had only shown a copy, claiming that the original was at the hotel. In fact, I haven’t spent a single night in a hotel for weeks.

  I rummage around for an appropriate amount of time in the various backpack pockets before producing the required document with feigned surprise. An official in a suit appears from behind me and takes the passport to an adjoining room.

  “He’ll make some copies and call the immigration authorities to check that everything is okay,” explains Yasmin.

  On with the interrogation. Cell phone number? Marital status? Father’s name?

  “Khaki Man” holds on to the printouts and photocopies. Yasmin translates the questions and answers.

  “Profession?”

  “He’s a student,” she lies, without consulting me. On my visa application I wrote “website editor,” which is nearer the truth.

  “Age?”

  “Thirty-four.”

  “What are you studying?” translates Yasmin.

  “English and American literature,” I answer. That was eight years ago. I chose not to mention the subsequent studies in journalism. Foreign reporters are not too popular among Iranian officials.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “What is your relationship?”

  “He’s a friend of my family. He’s spending his vacation here,” replies Yasmin.

  A soldier gathers our luggage from the trunk of the cab and leans them against the glass table in the middle of the room.

  “Unpack everything,” demands Khaki Man.

  On the wall the grin on Supreme Leader Khamenei’s face seems to widen. Good teeth for his age—he’s over seventy. While extracting the first bags of clothing and a damp towel that smells like a wet dog, my mind goes through everything I have with me.

  “Guidebook and Iran books?” Nothing critical in my luggage; the only forbidden book, Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood, by Marjane Satrapi,1 I left in Tehran. Luckily, I don’t have any Western news magazines or glossy mags of women without veils.

  “Drugs, alcohol, pork?”

  “No.”

  “Notebook?” Very suspicious. I’ve already filled 2.5 Moleskin notebooks. Conspicuously, on the first page of each booklet I’ve written: Iran 1, Iran 2, and Iran 3.

  “Press card?” In my wallet. What a bonehead! I should have left it at home.

  “Camera?” That could be tricky. Military installations, a nuclear power station, young women without veils, parties with alcohol—everything’s there. I could even put a few of my friends at risk. At least a number of particularly sensitive photos are on a smart card
that isn’t in the camera but hidden in the camera case.

  The first article of interest is my toiletry bag, with my first aid kit for travels. The official with baggy pants minutely inspects each pack of pills: Imodium, GeloMyrtol, Aspirin, acetaminophen, Iberogast, Umckaloabo. I’m evidently not a drug smuggler. Then my netbook: turn it on. No suspicious files on my desktop; they are all concealed under innocuous-sounding names. I’m allowed to shut it down. Interest turns to my e-book reader. Handling it clumsily, Khaki Man drops it on the floor, apologizes, and browses through my DuMont Iran art and travel guide. Very touristy, very harmless, very good.

  He finds a notepad, this time an Iranian one that a host gave me: In the name of God, presented to Mr. Stephan during his travel to Lorestan Province, 3.2.1393. The policeman leafs through all the pages. Apart from the dedication at the front, only blank sheets. I have never received a better present. Luckily, he doesn’t find the other notebooks crammed between admission tickets and invoices.

  Finished. Pack everything together. I have to restrain myself from taking a deep breath. It wouldn’t be such a good idea anyway, as the interview room smells like a particularly nasty damp cloth. I tighten up my backpack straps, sit down on the plastic-covered chair, and reach for my glass of tea. My hand is no longer shaking.

  “And now show me your camera,” says Khaki Man. And on the wall behind him the Ayatollah Khamenei laughs into his huge beard. He laughs and laughs and laughs.

  *The majority of names have been changed, and last names have been omitted to protect the people described.

  TEHRAN

  Population: some 10 million

  Province: Tehran

  WELCOME TO IRAN!

  BEWARE OF TERRORISTS and kidnappers!” says a friend.

  “It’s like Saudi Arabia, isn’t it? Don’t even think about looking any women in the eyes,” says a travel journalist.

  “Are you going to grow a beard? Bring me back a carpet,” says a girlfriend.

  “Are you crazy? I just don’t understand what you want there,” says a colleague from Iran.

  Four weeks previously. As soon as the wheels of the TK898 flight from Istanbul touch the runway, a different time scale applies. The Iranian calendar—plus 2.5 hours, minus 621 years. Welcome to Imam Khomeini International Airport: it is 7 Farvardin 1393; Happy Nowruz; Happy New Year. A rotund man sitting in 14B tips the last drops of his Efes beer down his throat. The teenaged girl in 17F pulls on socks to cover her ankles. Black, blond, brown, red, gray, dyed, styled, groomed, ruffled, short, and long hair all disappear under black, brown, and red scarves. You can tell the foreigners from the Iranians by the way that the unaccustomed piece of cloth slips to the neck on opening the overhead compartments and has to be readjusted. Respected Ladies: Observe the Islamic dress code is written on a poster at the terminal—without “please” or “thank you.”

  Above an illuminated ad for Sony cell phones at the baggage carousel, I am greeted by the first posters of the two bearded ones, ten times larger than life. Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini looks wily and somber; even in the photo his eyes seem to penetrate everything. With heightened intellect and infinite frostiness, the leader of the revolution looks down on the world. By contrast, the incumbent Supreme Leader Khamenei, with his large glasses and expressionless eyes, seems almost gawky and harmless, which is remarkable as Ayatollah Khamenei is one of the most powerful and brutal state leaders of recent times.

  But then again, maybe this impression is just a question of degree: measured against the gray eminence Ayatollah Khomeini, even Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi look like nervous Quran students revising for exams. The eyes of both ayatollahs seem to say: “From now on we are watching you—wherever you go.” The portraits hang in every shop and every restaurant, in residential and government buildings, in mosques, hotels, and bus terminals. In Iran, to avoid the pictures of Ayatollah Khomeini and Ayatollah Khamenei, you have to be in your own apartment or blind.

  7 Farvardin 1393. As far as the legal situation is concerned, I also have to rethink by a couple hundred years. In Iran sharia prevails. In Iran, women, in legal terms, are worth half as much as men and can be stoned to death for adultery. In Iran, I’m a criminal because I have more than three pounds of Lübeck marzipan (containing a tiny amount of alcohol) and a couple pork cabanossi sausages in my backpack. All that’s missing are a couple copies of Playboy and I could win a cup with the inscription: Tehran’s Dumbest Entry Attempt. However, without a few violations of the law, what I plan to do would be impossible. So why not start as I mean to continue? The sooner I get used to my new role as crook, swindler, and actor, the better.

  7 Farvardin 1393. My cell phone refuses to configure years before 1971 (why 1971?). As punishment for disobeying orders, I insert an Iranian SIM card into the rebellious device. To purchase it I had to sign three forms printed in Persian. I ask the assistant what they contain; he doesn’t speak English well.

  “No problem!” he replies, and on registering my quizzical look, he repeats, “No problem!” but this time in a gentler, almost friendly, tone.

  I desperately need a local SIM card, so I sign. Maybe I have just consented to allow the secret service to monitor all my conversations and text messages, but I couldn’t care less. They do it anyway. It even says so in the security information of the State Department.

  I have more luck exchanging money. An employee at the cash desk of the Melli Bank tells me that he can give me 35,000 rial per euro, but that one floor higher I will receive 40,000 at the currency exchange there. Eventually, I get 41,500—not a bad rate at all. That’s a first for me: I had to travel all the way to Iran to be given sound advice by a banker.

  I will have plenty of contact with money changers, as the local ATMS don’t accept European bank cards. That is pretty impractical for long-term travelers; I am traveling for two months with 2,000 euros and US$1,000 in small denominations strategically concealed in various inaccessible areas of my luggage. Hopefully, I will remember where they are all hidden when I need money.

  The airport with six carousels is smaller than you would expect from a city of 10 million like Tehran. Towering columns, plenty of glass, plenty of concrete. No Starbucks, no McDonald’s, no Louis Vuitton, just local fast-food joints, banks, and souvenir shops. A massive poster depicting a goldfish in a bowl—the symbol of life—wishes everyone a Happy New Year. There is probably no other country in the world in which a fish in a bowl symbolizes life.

  Whole extended families with bunches of flowers wait for the new arrivals. They got up in the middle of the night to be here on time. It’s just after 4 AM. Looking at them I feel very blond and relatively tall. Put it this way: the chances of someone asking me for directions are practically zero.

  “Welcome to Iran,” say two young women wearing chadors. Chador means “tent” in Persian, which says all you need to know about the nature and femininity of this garment. “Where are you from?” they want to know. “Are you married or single?” Giggling, they then drift away in their ghostly black tents.

  Their outfit is not particularly representative at the airport. Most women wear simple headscarves. The younger the person, the more fashionable the color. And the more extended the back of the head seems to be because updos are totally hip. With the scarf covering, it almost looks as though many young Iranian girls have skulls like H.R. Giger’s aliens. In comparison, most of the men don’t wear any form of head covering. The combination of turban and beard being far less common than Iranian clichés would have us believe. I only see two in the whole terminal.

  When, after encounters with a benevolent banker and flirtatious chador girls, a cab driver now refrains from cheating me, I have to readjust my prejudice compass after just one hour in Iran.

  There is only one route from the international airport into the city. To the left of the highway 200,000 victims of the Iran-Iraq War are buried in the country’s largest cemetery. And opposite, to the right of the highway, rests Ayatollah Khomeini himsel
f, the man who sent so many of them to their deaths. Each of the four towers bordering his grand mausoleum is ninety-one meters (three hundred feet) high, one meter for each year he lived. A huge golden cupola reflects the nighttime spotlight. The first magnificent religious building that tourists set their eyes on is the shrine of the ayatollah. The signal that every guest receives is: “This is my country, my rules apply here”—even twenty-five years after his death.

  The cab stops, and the driver doesn’t want any money. The trip is for free for a friend like me. I firmly refuse to accept, as required by Iran’s complicated rules of courtesy, and he says, “Seventy thousand.”

  “Rial or toman?” I inquire. There are two currency denominations in Iran, with a zero being the difference, which doesn’t make things easier for tourists.

  “Toman, of course.” Okay, everything times ten.

  I give him two 100,000 bills and a 500,000 bill. That’s three dollars more than the recommended price to pay that is displayed on a board at the airport. Charming character, but of course he’ll try to cheat you. At least you can rely on the cab drivers.

  How to pay in Iran

  •Listen to the price.

  •Marvel at how cheap it is.

  •Convert the named price from rial to toman: add a zero.

  •Realize that it isn’t so cheap, but still cheaper than home.

  •Search for the appropriate bill (count on between thirty and sixty seconds initially).

  •Pay.

  • • • • • • • • •

  THE MOST STUNNING aspect of Tehran are the nearby Elburz Mountains, reaching up to thirteen thousand feet to the north of the city. The peaks are invisible most weeks of the year because a cloud of smog envelops the city. The daily traffic chaos is legendary; there are almost 4 million cars for the 10 million inhabitants. Most of the almost 4 million exhausts can merely hoarsely laugh at terms like “catalytic converter” or “green fuel.” The head of the Traffic Police once calculated that air pollution levels are equivalent to those of 48 million cars with modern exhaust systems. Tehran’s motorized pollutants create more carbon monoxide than all automobiles on the streets of Germany. Every year thousands of people die as a result of the smog. It is thought to be healthier to smoke forty cigarettes a day than to spend a few hours wandering around Iran’s capital on a smoggy day.